A Chronicle of Scribbles

Catching My Breath

Sun, 12 May 2013 19:46:00 GMT

I realize I've been diving in & out of LJ-land for the last year or so to drop big news: "Hey, I have depression that really sucks!" "I got an agent!" "I lost my agent!" "I'm changing my critique services!" "I'm pregnant!" etc.

I also realize I haven't been posting quite as much in terms of what I'm writing/ how things are going in general. I didn't really mean to fall off the face of the earth between those bigger things, but it happened, and I'm sorry it did. I haven't stopped writing. I still write every day. But things have been different and difficult with all that Big Stuff going on.

One thing that's happened, obviously, is that ACCURSED didn't sell when I was on submission. I'm not going to play a blame game here-- the editors either didn't fall in love or they couldn't get it past editorial board. Maybe it didn't get sent to all the right houses or to the right people at the houses it did go to. It had some flaws that might've kept it from being a must-have for those editors who did see it, and then I didn't have an agent to push the list of editors who never got back to us.

After I went off sub, I knew I couldn't do much with ACCURSED professionally if I didn't want to self-pub it (a viable option, but not one I'm ready to commit to). So I kept plugging away at DARLINGTON. I beat my head against the wall when working on THE TIES OF BLOOD. I started CONVICTION. But nothing grabbed me. Nothing made me want to really keep going. So I decided to jump around in my works, play with ACCURSED when I had time, but obviously I had to focus my attentions on things that could still gain me representation, right?

Technically.

Except not.

A couple months ago I realized what my problem was: I couldn't get Gen's story out of my head. I knew, somewhere in my gut, that I had to finish my revision of that book before I could move on to really focus on something else. I knew how to fix it, I had a bunch of ideas, I could slip back into her voice as easily as I can write in my diary. So what was stopping me? Oh right, me.

I'm not a big rule-breaker. I followed the submission guidelines of every agent I submitted to to the best of my abilities-- I even lamented over the ones who didn't give more specific instructions, because I wanted to make my query stand out to them as Professional and Capable and I wanted to come across as a Good Person To Work With. None of that is a bad thing-- except when all the professional advice I was seeing said that no one would want to pick up a manuscript that had already been on sub to so many major houses/editors. So I believed it.

And it's still true. But...

It's not what's best for me. I wasn't writing much. My word counts had been atrocious for months. Nothing was clicking. Nothing felt right. And I'm still in my pre-published time. This is the time for me to experiment, to write what I love, to not worry so much about the Big Professional Things and focus instead on what will make me a better writer, which in turn (I hope), will help me become a writer who's sold a novel.

Last year I made a playlist for myself to represent the year. It was a lot of "keep going, don't give up, you'll be OK" kind of things for a bunch of reasons. This year, though, something about moving many of those songs over felt hollow. Instead, the first song I added to my 2013 playlist was Kelly Clarkson's "Catch My Breath," I think because these lines rang so true for me:

Source: Uploaded by user via Kathleen on Pinterest

I don't know what finally made all this click for me, whether it wasn't getting my book picked up, losing my agent, or realizing I'm going to be a mom. But I don't have time to play by someone else's rules when they don't make sense for me, for my life, for my process. And after sharing all those ups and downs last year, well-- now you know. I thought I was done hiding my problems when I shared about my depression last year, but then obviously I wasn't. I think I am now. I'm not going to pretend I'm totally perky & fine when I'm not, I'm not going to avoid blogging when I'm having trouble, but OTOH I'm not feeling pessimistic at all, and I think that comes from acknowledging the truth.

So this is my life: I'm finishing up a sixth revision on a book that I probably won't be able to use to get another agent, at least not anytime soon. I'm having trouble finding my footing again in this writing world, but I'm not giving up on it. This is my year of catching my breath and realizing what's important, and for me right now, it's finishing up ACCURSED*.

*And yes, obviously you, tiny person who is kicking my ribs as I write this!

FYI...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 01:35:32 GMT

Just realized that, while I posted this information on Facebook & Twitter a couple weeks ago, I hadn't yet made an LJ-land announcement. So this is to let everyone know that my husband & I are expecting our first kiddo in early September :)

Source: Uploaded by user via Kathleen on Pinterest

(And yes, I picked that image because we're currently calling baby "Stormageddon" a la Doctor Who)

Contest winners!

Sat, 09 Mar 2013 18:14:03 GMT

Thank you to all the entrants & all my friends who helped promote the contest. I really appreciate it!

And now, the winners!

The winner of the Submission Package Critique is Dani!

The winner of the First Chapter Critique is Chrystal!

Thanks again for entering!!

Contest Reminder!

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 22:46:18 GMT

Just a reminder that my critique contest ends tomorrow! If you want to enter, please do so on my last post.

Right now there are only a few entries, so you have a good chance of winning either a submission package critique or a first chapter critique-- and no matter what you get a free first page critique just for entering!

And if you're worried about entering because you're worried about receiving feedback, please don't be scared! I don't bite, I promise. All I want to do is help :)

New Critique Services!

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 17:43:23 GMT

As I said in my last post, I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing-- and not just my own, but what I really love about it. As much as I adore getting lost in my own worlds, getting lost in other people's is a lot of fun, too. Even more fun is helping other people find their way through the worlds they're writing.

I hope that doesn't sound pretentious, since I know I frequently need help to find the heart of what I was getting at. I don't know how many times I've thrown chapters or even whole manuscripts at Jess, with an email reading "HELP! I have no idea what I'm doing anymore!" That's the great thing about critique partners and groups-- they can often figure out what you were thinking better than you can. Or, if not, at least put you back on the right track!

Unfortunately, not everyone has critique partners. Or sometimes your critique partners are busy with their own work and can't get to yours for a while. Or they've read so many drafts that they, like you, are having trouble seeing why those "Sorry, this just isn't for me..." emails keep coming back. That's why I started my critique services.

That's also why I'm lowering my pricing. I want to be able to reach more writers who are looking for help, but can't afford the super-high prices of some other professional editorial services. I know a lot of writers struggle with the question "is this working?" and a lot of writers don't have a group of critique partners to fall back on, so I'm hoping the many options listed will provide the flexibility for people to be able to afford help, whether they need it piecemeal or for a whole manuscript.

I've also added a couple items to the offering. The first is a submission package critique, which includes notes on your first chapter, query, and synopsis. The second new item is going to be a lot of fun for me, and hopefully for those who purchase the service-- a First 500 Words critique. It's only $5 (and yes, if your last sentence ends at 511 words, that's fine), and you can order it as many times as you like for as many projects as you like. It's a quick-check to make sure that you're hooking the reader the way you want from page one, and it's as affordable as your morning mocha.

To kick off the new products and the newly re-priced site, I'm having a contest!

First Prize: A free submission package critique. (If you win & aren't at the querying stage yet, we can discuss a partial manuscript critique instead.)

Second Prize: A free first chapter critique.

Everyone who enters will receive a free first page critique and a discount code for a future service. Yes, this is shorter than the 500 words service, but I don't know how many people will enter and I need to keep the pool manageable!

To enter, Step One:
1) Blog about the newly re-priced site, including a link to the site and a link back to this contest post. If you're a previous client, you get an extra entry via this method for promoting it as a service you've used!

2) Post about the services on Facebook (again, be sure to provide links!).

3) Tweet the following: Affordable #writing critique service! RT to win a crit from @kathleenfoucart http://bit.ly/Z2BPkm

4) If you use another social media platform (Tumblr, Google+, Instagram somehow...), feel free to mention the contest there-- for each additional site you post on, you'll get another entry.

Step Two:
After doing any or all of the above, come back to this post (please use the one on livejournal.com, it just makes my life easier), and comment with links to everywhere you've posted it. Somewhere in the comment be sure to put your name and your email address (in the form of "yourname at wherever dot com" is just fine) so that I can contact you after the contest. Remember, everyone who enters does get a free first page critique, so even if you don't win the top two prizes, you still get something! So don't forget that email address!

Step Three:
Wait. But just until Saturday! On Saturday morning (March 9) I'll randomize the list of entries & let random.org pick the winners. Then I'll post the names and email everyone who entered with directions on what to send where.

That's it! With the usual caveats of not spamming someone else's website (every entry you post MUST be under your own account at whatever site you're using) and that while the contest is open internationally, I can only read submissions in English.

And since that was a lot of explanation for a wee little contest, you all deserve a picture of a happy little corgi to get you through the rest of today!

Source: Uploaded by user via Kathleen on Pinterest

Writing Therapy

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 17:29:25 GMT

First of all, thank you for everyone who commented on my last post. All your lovely thoughts & support mean a lot to me :)

In terms of getting back to the work, I've had a number of different thoughts in the past few months.

For a while I was trying to revise TTOB. I'd gotten some good responses, but as it's the project I've been working on the longest, it's also the project I feel the most perfectionisty about. It shouldn't matter that I'm adding a whole new POV that wasn't there before and that I'm changing the other narrator from third person to first-- it should be close to perfect so many drafts in, damn it! Current me says: Errr... yeah. Right... About that... You're basically writing a different book. Chill.

After the un-agenting, I thought I needed to push through a revision of DARLINGTON, cause, well, that's the newest project I was working on pre-agenting. Obviously best choice for next draft out to query. Around November it came to a screeching halt. I hated it. I hated everything about it. It sucked. My CPs/crit group will tell you this was not the case. I will now tell you this was not the case, but at the time-- it sucked. I hated it. That was all that mattered-- cause if I was already failing at everything, why not just add another thing?

Another thought I had after the un-agenting was that I needed to take another look at a certain part of ACCURSED. This came mostly from one agent's (not the one I wound up with) and one editor's feedback. Usually that's not a big enough sample for me to decide to make a major change, but these were professionals whose opinion I really respect. And the more I thought about it-- and the way the editor phrased it really brought it home to me-- the more I realized they were right. So I toyed with the idea some, wrote a few new scenes. But it's hard to work on a story that has already been on sub, since you know it might not be able to go back out again. So while I played with it, and wanted to make it the best it could be, at the time I couldn't give my whole heart to it.

Throughout this I had the feeling that what I really needed was to lose myself in a first draft. But I felt totally adrift-- what would this New!Project! be? I had a few ideas started and while I thought them good, they weren't hooking me. And then CONVICTION popped into my head. It's the same basic premise as a story I began waaaaay back in 2002, but I re-thought the casting and made the MCs much more YA and put them instantly in a life-threatening situation and boom! New story! New first draft! For a while, I was moving along at a good clip. But, like with all new stories, there came a point where I realized I had no idea where I was going or what I wanted to be saying. Thankfully, this has been a recent bump, so I'm feeling more hopeful about continuing than I would have been a month or so ago.

What does this very long tale of writing disappointments have to do with what I'm doing right now? Well... everything. Because somewhere in the last couple years, with so much focus on getting ACCURSED ready to query & then querying it, I forgot how I write. And I am inherently a project-hopper. So what am I working on now?

Everything. All of the above.

Not every piece every day. That would be crazy. And not a lot every day, because I'm still re-finding my groove. I wish I could go back to my easy 1k+ days, but writing is a muscle, and I have to build mine back up. But trying to focus on just one project has left me feeling like I'm failing when I'm not. Getting stuck is not failing. It's part of the process. It happens to everyone. But where I've been at lately, it felt like failing. So now if I'm feeling stuck on what comes next in CONVICTION, I switch over to what I know has to happen next in my ACCURSED revision. If I'm not sure what happens next in TTOB, I play with a scene in DARLINGTON that I know needs tweaked. Even if it's only a few hundred words, it's forward-motion. It's progress.

And it feels good.

Plus, I no longer feel guilty when I see this:

Source: amandaonwriting.tumblr.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

Yessir, Sherlock-Benedict.

Oh! And before I forget, early next week I'll have an announcement RE: new pricing for my critique services. One thing I've also figured out in these past months, despite my own floundering, is just how much I love helping other writers, so in an effort to reach more of them, I'm lowering my crit prices. Please check back Monday or Tuesday for an announcement and contest!

Losing the Faith (but not entirely)

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 03:20:49 GMT

I’ve been contemplating this post for quite a while. Some of you might have noticed it’s been a bit quiet around here (er, for 2 months… sorry about that…). There are quite a few reasons for the silence, and as now the sting has worn off one of the biggest reasons, I think I’m ready to talk a bit more about it.

I no longer have an agent.

This happened back in September. Actually, it happened twice: my original agent got a fabulous job opportunity outside of agenting last June, and I was passed along to someone else in the agency. Unfortunately, she and I were not a fantastic fit and parted ways. (PLEASE do not bash my previous agency here! I’m not bitter towards them-- things happen.)

It was probably the right thing to have happened, but despite the fact that there was no fault involved, I still felt rather… adrift. I knew what I had to do: finish off another manuscript and query again. Get back on the horse. After all, I’d had a manuscript accepted for representation and had gotten fairly close to a couple of offers from editors I really respect. I knew I could do it again, it was just a matter of putting in the work.

But-- and isn’t there always a but?-- I haven’t entirely felt right in my writing since I finished off ACCURSED, which was in the fall of 2011. True, I finished a full draft of DARLINGTON since then. I began a total rewrite revision of it. I began re-working another older piece that I’ve never lost faith in. After I started getting feedback from editors on ACCURSED (granted, most of it was the same as what I’d gotten from agents, which, while nice, wasn’t to-the-point enough for a revision tactic) I began wondering about how to fix a certain section in that. In November I began a total re-imagining of another older story (where I kept the basic premise & the main character’s names). I’ve been working. I’ve not missed a day of writing (though I will admit to writing only one word one day!) and thinking about my stories. I still love them all and desperately want to make them the best they can be.

Yet something has been missing. I don’t feel that fire, that drive that propelled me through ACCURSED. I am too damn stubborn to give up, and I don’t want to, but I also am feeling very much like I’ve lost something I once had. I don’t know if it’s my “publishing innocence” or if I’m still trying to figure out who I am without the constant cloud of depression fogging my mind and making every day a fight (writing was certainly my medication then, even if I didn’t realize it). Whatever it is that’s missing though, I’d like to either find a way to get some of it back (er, just not the depression!) or find my way around this massive wall that’s gone down in my brain so I can get back to making stories. Because that’s what I’m truly missing-- the feeling of being so involved in a story that it’s all there is.

I haven’t given up on ACCURSED. I haven’t given up on DARLINGTON. I haven’t given up on me. I’m going to find a way through this, I know it. I just… don’t know how yet, or when, which, if you know me, you know is probably what’s really driving me craziest of all!

I found this quote on Pinterest the other day… It’s from Ayn Rand, who I completely disagree with on so many levels it’s not even funny, but these particular words have really been helping me so I thought I’d share:

Source: writerswrite.posterous.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

I don’t have any answers right now. I have no neat summation and no real idea what I’m even doing sitting up at 10 PM on a Saturday night writing this post. All I know is that I felt like I was hiding from you all, and I don’t want to hide anymore. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to fear from telling you that I’m having a hard time. Everyone does. And maybe now that I’ve let my lovely LJ friends in on the problem I’ll start feeling like I can really conquer it.

Where I've Been + Critique Specials

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 18:41:49 GMT

The opening of my page on end of the year critique specials says, "Are you this kitten, with the yarn being your plot?"

Source: artsandcatsmovement.files.wordpress.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

And, well, I am. Or at least, I have been. Darlington was giving me fits for a while, and other stories, both new and old, are pushing around in my mind, begging for attention. So what do I think is a good way to stop being so tied up in my work?

Work on other people's, of course!

This makes sense in my head, I swear....

Anyway, I'm planning an actual "Where I am now" post for the next few days, but until then I wanted to get the word out that I'm offering a few end of 2012 deals for critiques/edits through my critique service. So if you know anyone who's in the market for a freelance editor, please send them my way!

More info and the offers can be found here.

So what has everyone else been up to? Doing well, I hope! I've been trying to pop in & read posts, even if haven't been able to comment much the last few weeks. Things have been kinda crazy here, but I'm trying to at least keep up with y'all!

Hooks

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 16:21:15 GMT

Two weeks after I got knocked out with what I'm fairly certain was the flu, I'm finally feeling more normal. Still coughing and have a little bit of a sore throat sometimes, but my brain has (mostly) un-fogged, so I feel like I'm getting something accomplished.

Since I've barely been able to write the last couple weeks, I've been thinking a lot about story in general terms, and one of the things I keep coming back to is hooks. Actually, what I keep coming back to is that I rarely start out with one. Every novel I've ever written has been based around characters for me, which is great for writing, but not so great for pitching. So I've been thinking about attempting a new project, one where I'd try to start with a hook.

Might as well give it a shot, right? Problem is, I don't think in terms of hooks. Never have. So while I have a multitude of characters floating around that could easily be pulled into a new story, I don't know where to put them.

The hookiest idea I have right now is something that's been done: a modern Cinderella retelling. I like it, but I'm not sure that my hook (it's mostly set in a haunted restaurant) is strong enough to withstand the groans of "another Cinderella? really?" My other WIP is my Alt-World Futuristic Historical Mystery with Bonus!Magic, which is fun to write but not exactly a "hook."

Of course, maybe my problem isn't lack of hook or inability to pitch, but that my framing is off. For example, I have a lot of trouble telling people what ACCURSED is about. I hem and haw about ghosts and curses, when I really should be telling people it's a modernized Snow White re-imagining, where Snow's a sarcastic hard-headed 17YO who steals cursed objects from haunted houses.

Yes, I see this:

Source: google.com.au via Kathleen on Pinterest

and turn it into this girl:

Source: fanpop.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

who does things like this:

Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net via Kathleen on Pinterest

And then there's the idea that maybe my flu-brain hasn't really gone yet and I'm just rambling. Which could totally be the case.

Either way, what are your thoughts on hooks or changing up your methods?

Where I've Been(ish)

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 20:14:21 GMT

I'm apparently the worst blogger on the planet. Or at least, a bad one. At least this week I (unfortunately) have an excuse: the flu.

Source: twitter.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

See this? This is what I looked like this week. Just not quite as blue.

It hit me on Sunday afternoon and when I say hit, I mean knocked me flat on my back since then. I've barely been out of bed since, and certainly haven't been to werk or gotten much writing done. It's sucked. The only bright spot is that I've completely caught up on Hart of Dixie via Netflix & Hulu Plus. Yay?

So while I'm sorry I haven't blogged lately, and I realize there were like, three or four weeks before this one that I missed, at least there was a reason for missing this one. Hoping to be back to more regular blogging soon-- I've got a ton of work to do on my draft of Darlington, so I should have plenty of writing stuff to whine about ;-)

Practicing Better.

Sat, 22 Sep 2012 20:32:05 GMT

A couple weeks ago I was driving to work thinking about writing and how I'll never be perfect at it since no one is, but I wanted to be able to lay down words more accurately. Despite how much I love diving in and writing a story, there had to be a better way than to flail my way through the drafts, a way that didn't require the rigid outlining that breaks my brain, or even the vague plotting I do that's basically me talking to myself on paper. Basically, something that would work better for me. In my circling thoughts I came to the conclusion that I just had to write more. Makes sense, right? I mean, that's what everyone says: keep writing, keep reading, eventually you get better.

Source: roadwelltravelled.tumblr.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

But something was nagging at me. If I just keep doing what I'm doing, how will I know when I'm doing it better? I've noticed a few things I do now that I didn't before that make my writing stronger, but it doesn't help me get from one scene to the next, it's more mechanics, word choice, things like that. I wanted a way to make my storytelling abilities better. I have a story-centric mind and telling stories on paper has never been difficult for me, but what I wanted to do now was to really craft them. Or, to put it a different way, I knew I had good instincts, but I wanted to hone them.

Enter the theory of deliberate practice. An illustrator friend of mine on Facebook (*waves to Diane*) linked that same morning to this Lifehacker article, A Better Way to Practice.

I'm fairly certain that article is changing my life, or at least, the way I approach my writing. I highly suggest you go read it, since I'll be referring to it often. I'll wait.....................

Now. What I got out of that piece was that I needed to Pay. More. Attention. Not necessarily write more but write with more attention, more focus.

Something in me has always resisted this when writing, and when I'm next writing a first draft I'll probably do my usual write-flail-write-flail method, since, like I said above, I do believe I have pretty decent instincts overall. But right now I'm writing draft 2 of Darlington and I didn't want to flail it. That's how I end up with bloated first drafts, the flailing that adds lots of random details, but not the right ones. So with this draft that I was already attempting to do differently (I'm barely glancing at the first draft nowadays, just straight-up rewrites), I decided to give the method described at the end of the article a try. While every step of the six is helping me move forward, the problem-solving model described in #5 is what I've made into point #3 of keeping a practice journal.

Here's what I do now. Every 1500-200 words or so of new material I hit a stopping point. I know I have a problem facing me, and usually I'd just think at it a few minutes and write, or just leave it until my next session. Not anymore. Now I take out my Practice Journal (really it's a writing journal, but I like thinking of it as practice-- not quite final, you know?) and I write out: Define the Problem. And then I do. I write out Analyze the Problem. And then I spend a few lines taking it apart, trying to determine what's at the heart of the matter.

After that I write out possible solutions. I choose one or a combination of a few. And then I implement them. The next day I reread what I've written and if something isn't quite working right, I edit it to a more suitable solution.

Source: tumblr.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

I'm not going to lie: this process is slow. The first few days, it was frustrating. I had plenty of time to be writing, yet I wasn't. I kept stopping, checking my notes, writing new ones. When I got to a good stopping point I'd get up and go in another room and read or play with the dog or bake. I felt guilty. Shouldn't I be writing during those free hours? But now that I'm getting into a groove with it, I'm finding it's more frustrating not to have filled out my practice journal. The days that I attempt to write without refreshing my memory on those notes or if I try to forgo them, I'm lost. I write better now with this easily accessed bank of my thoughts. And because I've taken the time to write them down and sort through them, I can see why I've dismissed certain ideas, and why some are still valid even if they didn't work at that particular point. I see when I've missed adding a crucial detail.

I know that no everyone works the same way, but I do highly recommend at least attempting this method for a week or so. I'm not sure how it will fair with a first draft, but for my revision, and the way my mind works now, it's pretty amazing.

Awesome News from Awesome People

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 17:16:48 GMT

I realize I haven't done a lot of blogging lately. Er, in like, a month, I guess. Sorry about that. I promise an entry soon on process soon, because I've started doing something new-ish that I'm finding quite useful. However, today is not about that.

Source: tiffanyschmidt.blogspot.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

First up, my friend Tiffany Schmdit has a book coming out in three weeks! Send Me a Sign is a fantastic book that I read a draft of many, many years ago & I'm so glad I'll finally get to hold a copy in book form soon! Anyway, her trailer debuted today on Mundie Moms, so go check it out!. After watching the trailer, go here to read about Team Morgan Pre-Orders, and pre-order. You'll be helping not one but two great charities and getting a fabulous YA novel.

Source: amazon.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

Next, another friend, Andrea Lynn Colt, has published her novel TORCHED and it's out today! You can get it for Kindle, Nook or in paperback. Check out her post about the launch here. I got to read a draft of this last year & loved it! It's been so long since I read an awesome YA mystery without paranormal elements, and this one is mysterious, fun and romantic. I kept wanting to suggest it to people when they asked if I'd read any good mysteries lately and finally I can point them to it. So go forth & purchase!

And have I mentioned lately that my friend Robin Talley sold a book? Cause she totally did and I love this one, too! :) No surprises there, I guess; my friends write amazing books, so how could I not love them? But I don't think I publicly congratulated her yet, so I had to do so today. No, you can't buy this one until Spring 2014, and there's no cover yet to post, but it's worth the wait-- and believe me, I'll be reminding y'all about it repeatedly closer to it's release!

That's it for now. Hope y'all like the recs! They're all fantabulous books by amazing people & I'm so lucky to have them as friends!

Trying

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 17:02:28 GMT

In case y'all haven't been able to tell, I've been kinda blocked lately. No, not just lately. I've been blocked for months. Every once in while I get a good day of pushing the words out, but I haven't gotten lost in writing since February.

Source: google.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

It sucks.

I used to not believe in writer's block. I could be blocked on a single project, sure, but every project? Nope, that wasn't me. For almost four years I've written every day. Some days were easy. Some days were hard. Some days I barely did any writing, some days I racked up the words. I've never had to fight so hard for so long in the time since I started writing seriously (so for about 5-6 years).

Can I just say again that It Sucks?

Technically I'm still writing something every day. It might be a scrap of an idea that's only 27 words long, but it's something. But it doesn't feel the same. I have to push the words, I have to grab them by their hair and drag them onto the page kicking and screaming, which just leaves me exhausted and tired of fighting. Something has to give.

I wrote before about how I needed to again make writing as natural as buckling my seatbelt, how I needed to turn off my internal editor & just write, and about a million other things that didn't acknowledge the root of my problem.

Fear.

Last year I wrote about fear. As, apparently, I did the year before that. But why should I be afraid now? I've got an agent, I'm on submission, this is where I wanted to be, right? I'm on the right track, right? Full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes, all that jazz. So, uh, why can't I write?

Cause I'm afraid. I'm afraid ACCURSED won't sell (even with reassurances from various published/publishing friends that the responses I've gotten have been Really Good and that I'm So Close), but I really want to work on it & possible sequels. I'm afraid my long fight with depression & new trek toward health has whacked around my brain too much to let me think of new stories. I'm afraid I can't rework TTOB into what it should be, and afraid that Darlington won't be marketable if I finish that one up first instead. I'm afraid of what my agent will think of whichever book I do finish next, providing I ever actually manage to get writing again. I'm afraid of the wrist surgery I'll probably need, and afraid of what could happen if I don't get it. I'm afraid all my writing friends are getting published & I'm still sitting back here twiddling my thumbs (I know this isn't true, doesn't mean I don't feel it). I'm afraid for various things in my personal life for no good reason except that they popped up as something else for me to worry about. And don't even get me started on how much I can't afford to not be bringing in more money (I'm thinking that's why I've started clenching my jaw again...). Heck, I'm even afraid of getting a deal (no matter what the size) and all the stress & insanity that comes with that.

But this morning I realized-- as I usually do-- that I can't let the fear win. I have been, by not acknowledging it, not dealing with it. This morning I was listening to my 2012 playlist and Lifehouse's "First Time" came on. I added that to the list months ago, and I didn't know why. I've questioned it a few times and debated taking it off, but thankfully I left it there, because these lines came on and I realized how true they were:

We're both looking for something we've been afraid to find.
It's easier to be broken; it's easier to hide.

I've been broken this year. Very broken for parts of it. And that brokenness has driven me into hiding. (This isn't new for me-- when I was a baby & got hurt, I crawled under my crib where no one could reach me.) It's easier to hide when something has us doubting ourselves, our choices, our whole lives. Why would I want to come out & say "Hey, I feel like I'm failing at everything right now" when I don't know what kind of reception I'll get? Well, my psychic iPod seemed to know I needed more encouragement, cause when I got to work I turned on more Lifehouse and "Trying" came on:

Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
Let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
Ain't gonna pretend like I do
Just trying to find my way
Trying
To find my way the best that I know how

So... here I am. Being honest that I have no idea what I'm doing. That I'm afraid. And that I have to change if I'm going to get anywhere. I don't know how I'll do it, but I know I won't do it by ignoring the fear. If depression didn't go away by ignoring it, I doubt fear will, either. So I've got to jump back in. I've got to take risks again, and to do that, I have to put the words on the page. No more blocks. No more hiding.

Source: media-cache4.pinterest.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

Workshop Details!

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 22:35:59 GMT

OK, I'm a bad blogger lately, and I swear I will post about why soon (unfortunately it's not something all that interesting or fun), but today I'm getting the word out about a workshop in November that I'm hosting called "Characters are People, Too! Using the Enneagram as a Writer."

Apparently I haven't talked about the Enneagram here as much as I thought I had, considering how often I use it. When I talk about it I usually give it a vague comparison it to the more well-known Myers-Briggs test, but it's a different system entirely. Basically there are 9 different but inter-connected personality types that people fall into, and by knowing a person's personality type you can begin to understand how that person thinks and will react to different things.

Source: google.co.uk via Kathleen on Pinterest

When I get stuck in a story, one of the first things I do is reach for one of my Enneagram books-- usually I'm stuck because my characters aren't behaving in a way that makes sense to me. Once I know their personality type, they make more sense.

And hopefully, after this workshop weekend, you could do the same! :)

Details can be found on my website here, but the basics are:

When/Where: November 17-18 in Walkersville, Maryland. Sessions will be Saturday morning & afternoon and Sunday afternoon and will be led by Mark Foucart (a.k.a. my dad). Schedule to follow.

Cost: $65 (some meals included)

Registration Required by October 31

If you need lodgings, there's a Hampton Inn nearby. And there's a ton to do in Frederick in the off-time, too!

Questions? Email me at kathleen at kathleenfoucart dot com

Hope to see some of you there!

Do not stop.

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 23:01:16 GMT

Source: oceansidedaydreams.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

OK, here's the thing: I never used to have the "internal editor" problem. Like... at all. I could never understand when writer friends were like "I just can't turn off my internal editor." I could sympathize to a point, but I could never understand why they didn't just, um, write. That's the solution, isn't it?

Well, somewhere along the line things clicked in my brain regarding how stories work. And my internal editor hasn't shut up since. This was great for the years I was mostly revising with some drafting thrown in. When I was exhausted from revising, the editor was too tired to get too involved in my first draft of other stuff, which was awesome! But somehow I've wound up working on revisions of two projects. Nothing new-new, even though I'm totally switching voice and narration in one of them and basically flat-out rewriting a good portion of the second. And the editor is like "Wheeee! We're revising, it's my turn again!!!" Except it's not.

Trying to learn how to accept a sixth-ish draft as a first draft is a frustrating experience. And I know I've said this every other post lately, and I'm sorry if I'm boring y'all! But it's the truth of my little writing world right now-- this is a "first" draft even though it's more like the twentieth time I rewrote the first couple chapters.

Today I've gotten to chapter three again. Yay! Of course I have no clue how exactly to make this particular chapter work yet, but I know what it needs to do. So that's a start, right? The problem with switching gears between something like ACCURSED or DARLINGTON and THE TIES OF BLOOD is that TTOB is... not slower, since that has horrid connotations in the writing world, but it has more deliberate pacing. I'm trying to build an atmosphere. I'm not worried about rushing into ACTION, I want it to be a steady build. We'll see how well I succeed after I'm done with this draft, but for now, I'm writing what comes to me as it comes, fitting it in where it goes as I arrive at that scene and basically just doing everything I can to keep moving, albeit slower than I'd like.

The slowness is what's really taking a toll on me. I'm used to being fast, but I can't rush this. If I do I'll keep running headlong into corners and dead-ends, which just makes me angry again, which leads to stopping, which leads to my laziness problem. So I've just got to learn not to stop. (Not in a bad way! I can hear Jess groaning at me from 200 miles away...) I have to learn to be patient with myself and my story, and trust that it'll happen, despite the fact that sometimes it's so slow-going it feels like a stand-still.

Anyone else in this stage of slow-going but still forward motion? How do you deal with it?

Onward

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 20:58:18 GMT

Sorry for the long blog-silence. You might recall that I was having a bit of a staycation when my bestie b & her husband were visiting. That was great, but the day after they went back to Texas my grandfather passed away, so last week was all up to MD & PA for family & funeral, and then, well, I was exhausted. And this weekend is family stuff as well (Happy birthday, Lauren!!), next weekend the fantabulous Jess is coming down for a visit/event, and the following weekend is more family stuff. Then I get a weekend off! Then I have more family stuff, then it's back-to-school rush at VT and then OMG we're in the fall again. Yeesh! Wasn't it just May? o_O

Anyway. In my last pre-staycation post, you might remember my seatbelt metaphor (if not, click through!). Basically, I'd decided my problem with my writing was that I had let my work ethic slip, that I wasn't pushing myself the way I used to, that I was going too easy on myself. All of which I still think is true. But yesterday I opened up a blank word document and began re-typing my WIP from the opening line.

Source: mysecretintentions.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

(The above is relevant, bear with me.)

I'd decided my first chapter had been edited to death. It did many of the things that I wanted it to do, but to me it lacked life, it felt stilted. So I decided to try again. As I did I noticed a funny thing-- little thoughts niggling at the back of my mind about my characters, thoughts that weren't there before. Thoughts that, honestly, weren't mine.

She can't think like that, she sounds like a doormat
He can't say that, he sounds weak
If she says she only wants a boy I'll be crucified
If he actually does [redacted] people are going to hate him

Those are the thoughts that have been floating around during my last few months of revising and they don't come from me. They don't even really come from critique. They come from things people say in random conversation, from articles online, from reviews, from TV shows, from reactions to everyday things-- nothing necessarily directed at my manuscript. But I was giving them too much power, and letting them take me back through the same sentences over and over again to try and "explain" things about my characters and their relationship and situation.

I don't need to do that. Not now.

What I need to do now is get a solid draft. And I won't be able to do that by going back through these old scenes and sentences and fidgeting with them. I won't get a draft done by writing about what I think other people want to read in a character. I've known these characters for nearly a decade-- they're people to me. People I know. While I can and will change things that don't work, I'm not going to compromise the core of a character-- especially just for my perception of what people might say about them.

What does this have to do with not looking back? Well, I started doing recursive editing. I wanted this draft to be cleaner than a first draft, and I think it will be. But it can't be because I've spent six days on three pages. Not when I want a complete beta-able draft by the end of October. So I'm putting myself on a recursive-editing diet.

I will not go back and fiddle.

I will correct a typo if I see it. I will go back and add a sentence or so only if I realize three chapters later it really needs it, and only if it doesn't take me too long. If it's going to be a big change, I will make footnotes (I'm kind-of in love with footnotes right now) & move on.

I will not fiddle.

Going back over & over & over will not get a book written. It will, however, drive me crazy. So. Onward I go. Next time I overhaul chapter one, it will be after I get beta-reader feedback on the entire new draft.

Staycation

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 00:45:15 GMT

Things might be quiet around here this week as the bestie (known around the blog as "b") and her husband are coming to visit. So if I'm quiet for a while, I'm probably hanging out on the couch talking Harry Potter & other Boys in Books.

Source: data.whicdn.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

(And yes, we're both married, but we still say this. Our boys just roll their eyes & go do engineering-type things while we babble about Jace & Peeta.)

Working Through

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 21:05:12 GMT

Working on TTOB is going Epically Slow. I thought maybe it was that I was tired of my characters, that my wrists hurt, that my mind was too full of critique, something. Anything. Some reason I could point to and say "that's why I'm not getting anything done."

I really did think it had to do with me being temporarily sick of working with this particular set of characters, until yesterday. I opened up an extremely old backstory file and decided as an exercise to update it. I wrote 4 handwritten pages.

Obviously I'm not sick of these characters.

I keep pinning images of them or their clothes or furniture. I'm not tired of this story-- and if I get to do with it what I want to, I have two other manuscripts to write them through. So why have I been slacking?

Source: sunshineandpearls.tumblr.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

Finally I had to admit that though my wrists are part of it, though fatigue (mental and physical) is part of it, though I'm totally rewriting a story (which takes quite a bit of mental acrobatics), there's one problem at the core of it. And I realized what this problem really was when I buckled my seatbelt today.

Yeah, it's weird, but bear with me.

We don't have curbside recycling where I live, so we have to take our recyclables to a big dumpster-thing, and the one we always use is in the Home Depot parking lot. Today we went and dropped those off & then Hubby wanted to wander the store, so he started to pull over to a parking spot closer to the doors. He didn't buckle his seatbelt to move 50 feet. I did. And I realized I do for everything like that. Backing the car out of the driveway to trade parking spots? Buckled in. Moving across a parking lot? Buckled in. Running up the block to Kroger just to grab some key dinner ingredient? Buckled in.

What does this have to do with writing?

I stopped letting my writing goals be as natural for me as buckling my seatbelt.

I stopped pushing myself to do a certain word count every day. I mean, all my friends (writer & non-writer) said I was crazy, that I pushed myself too hard, that I didn't need to hit a certain number of words per day, so why make myself crazy?

After a while, I believed them. I mean, I was totally burnt out. Surely the reason was that I was pushing myself too hard, right?

Well, yes. And no.

I'm inherently lazy. I know that people who know writer-me don't necessarily believe me when I say this, but it's true. I've wasted a lot of time in my life. I get so easily sucked into ruts and patterns and this particular pattern I started of "being nicer to myself" wasn't working. I'd write a page or two and decide that was good enough for the day. I'd get a particularly grueling paragraph right and decide I'd earned an entire episode of Downton Abbey. In short, I was being too easy on myself-- which is not the same as being nice to myself. For a day or two, sure. But how does that help me meet my goals? It doesn't.

So now I'm trying to figure out how to differentiate between "killing myself" and "having high standards for myself." I don't want to lose the drive I acquired in the last four years. It's gotten me a long way, but at a point I also let it run me into the ground. I do not want to let that happen again, but nor do I want to let myself become slacker-me again.

Then the question is: how do I fix it? Well, for now I think I'm going to have to resort to things like word-count goals. While word counts don't necessarily mean a thing when looking at the quality of a product, or the usefulness of a product, it does give me a metric for if I'm on-track for my personal goals again. And I need a metric right now. I need to catch myself when I try to stop for the day and ask myself "is this really good enough for today or can I do a little bit more?" If the answer is that I can do more, I'll get up and walk around the house, do a load of laundry, something to rid myself of restless energy, and put my butt back in the chair and keep going.

Does anyone else do this? Or am I the only slacker-writer out here?

Saturday Six Cause I Forgot Friday Five

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 20:14:16 GMT

OK, I didn't really forget Friday Five but I'm visiting family this weekend & every time I thought about posting, I was out. So here's a Saturday Six: Characters from TTOB

1) First up, the main character & one of the narrators: Arion Rapson. I have two people in mind when I think of Arion. The very first is Charlie Hunnam in Nicholas Nickleby. I remember watching the trailer in the theater with my mouth hanging open because it was the first time I'd ever seen anyone who reminded me of my characters. So, here's that image:

Source: movies.about.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

The second is Matt Czuchry who played Logan Huntzberger in Gilmore Girls. Logan was a very Arion-esque character.

Source: thegoodwife.maxupdates.tv via Kathleen on Pinterest

2) Next, the second narrator, Isis Hazelwood. I always picture her like as Danielle Panabaker.

Source: imdb.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

3) I think Chelsea Staub would make an excellent Celestia:

Source: tvrage.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

4) This image of Clive Owen is so perfectly Mordecai that it's a little crazy:

Source: fashionplate-hungryforstyle.blogspot.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

5) Marius somewhat eludes me. I've seen him alternately as Chris Pine:

Source: rankingfamosos.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

(I love putting the above image & the Matt Czhuchry image beside each other because they really look like they could be brothers in these)

Or Daniel Radcliffe:

Source: imdb.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

Or lately Darren Criss:

Source: thehollywoodgossip.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

6) And of course, we must have Connor... (a.k.a. Josh Jackson)

Source: imdb.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

Do any of you have Pinterest boards for your stories? Please share! I love following other writers on Pinterest & seeing what's in their heads ;-)

Chapter One Woes

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 19:09:57 GMT

First, thanks to all who responded to my Friday Five about my Headache of D00m. Feeling mostly better now, but losing an entire day to passing out in bed was not how I wanted to start my weekend.

Source: google.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

Yesterday afternoon I was back at TTOB, after sending my revised first chapter to my BCP* (aka Jess). I flung it at her in a fit of pique, after deciding every word was utter crap and could she please tell me what actually sucked? She gave it a close read and sent back her thoughts & notes, cutting out the fat that I'm too close to it to see and making suggestions for keeping tension high. As soon as I got her email I breathed easier. (IMHO, this is how good crit should make one feel-- not as if everything is wonderful, or everything sucks, but that the good is good and the not-so-good is fixable, no matter the amount of work it will take.)

The thing about rewriting a book that you've written so many times before is that you find yourself answering questions you've been asked by various beta readers & CPs in the text-- which is usually what you should do! But sometimes you find yourself over-explaining things because of that same reason. Or at least I do, since that's exactly what I was doing in this new section. Couple that with the fact that one of my narrators is a girl with no one to talk to about her situation-- so she talks a lot when I let her-- and well, let's just say there were more than a few paragraphs with red strike-through marks!

Not that even with the notes re-revising has been easy. I realize I've been nattering on about this chapter for quite a while, so I looked at the dates for this version of chapter one (and the prologue, which I folded into it), and I thought I'd share them here:
May 15, 16, 17, 21, 22, 23, 26, 27, 29
June 3, 8, 9, 11, 12, 13, 17, 18
For those who don't want to add that up themselves, it's 17 days spent on a chapter that currently spills onto 18 pages (and yes, I still want to cut that back a bit). No wonder I've been frustrated! It averages to about 316 words a day of work, and y'all know how much I hate it when things are slow-going.

But after a few little additions today (ones I'd thought of yesterday & then forgot to add), I think I finally have a foundation I feel I can build on. Now if only chapter two would be so obliging as to work itself out in less than two weeks... *sigh*

*Bestest Critique Partner

Friday Five 6-15-12

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 22:39:44 GMT

I swore I was going to try to blog more often, so here's today's (pathetic) Friday Five

1) I woke up this morning with a headache. I've never had a migraine before, but I think I had one today.

2) I got up at 10, took a shower, ate a bowl of cereal, felt nauseous, got back in bed.

3) Tried to read. Couldn't. Turned off all lights. Turned off all noise. Closed doors. Took 2 Advil & went to sleep.

4) I got up again at 4 & felt OK-ish.

5) Ate some rice & feel bleh again. More Advil & then maybe back to bed. Ugh.

Seriously hope this is just a one day thing...

Messy [Sixth] Draft

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 21:46:09 GMT

Source: petnoga.blogspot.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

After a year of revising ACCURSED I returned to DARLINGTON to finish off a very messy first draft. When I went to dive into revisions, though, my heart wasn't in it, and due to that and a number of other factors I went back to THE TIES OF BLOOD for serious work for the first time in years.

I knew going in some of the bigger changes I was going to make, I knew it would be a lot of work. But what I didn't anticipate was the feeling like I'd been dropped into a first draft of this novel for the first time since 2007.

My last attempt at revising this book got me up to chapter ten before I had to stop and pay attention to my other projects. But that draft really did feel more like a revision-- I was adding one POV, but merely editing the other. Now I'm continuing with the original addition, but have changed the perspective of the other, and while it's following the same character, suddenly everything is different. Things that used to be somewhat easily described that he saw/felt emotionally/touched have lost their filter.

I've fought with this draft so much already. Such a degree of annoyance used to be a hint that something was wrong, but with this draft I'm coming to realize it isn't the point of view or narrator that is wrong-- it's me.

I'm trying to look at it as a revision. And while it does fit the definition, my revision process is a totally different beast than what this needs. TTOB needs a messy first draft. And I've been reluctant to admit that to myself for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that TTOB (under a different title) was my thesis. Shouldn't it not be messy anymore? Isn't calling it a messy draft an insult to my past work?

But it's not. An insult to all that past work would be to keep attempting what I'm doing now-- arguing with the draft and the process and refusing to let it be what it needs to be, what I need it to be, to get to a great finished product. Will it take more drafts than my conscious brain would like it to? Yes. But the death-grip I have on it right now obviously won't sustain itself.

So I'm off to work on my messy sixth draft. Which is more like a messy ninth draft. And if age is supposedly just a number, well, draft version is, too. It's just the number at the end of the chapter name that lets me tell which one is current.

Addition to Friday Five: Bonus Sixth Thing!

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 21:25:47 GMT

My wonderful critique partner, Jessica Spotswood, interviewed me on her blog today! It's about my writing process. I blather on a lot ;-)

Check it out here!

Friday Five

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 19:12:34 GMT

In an effort to remember to blog more, I'll be attempting to do weekly Friday Fives as a wrap-up... We'll see how that goes!

1) This past weekend, Hubby & I decided to make and freeze meals, as we frequently wind up eating cereal or popcorn for dinner since neither of us want to cook much during the week. We put away six freezer bag crock pot meals (which we get 2 nights of meals out of, each), a bunch of servings of Pasticchio and Mac & Cheese and seven jars of homemade Alfredo sauce. So far, it's working out very well and I'm hoping to put away more soon! A day of work for a month's worth of easy meal prep? Yes, please!

2) Today I decided to try a cold-brew iced coffee recipe that should give me a whole pitcher to keep in the fridge! I keep anxiously checking on it because I want it Right Now! But I have to wait until tonight to strain out the coffee grounds. *sigh* But I'm Very Excited to try it tomorrow!

Source: cravingcomfort.blogspot.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

3) Yesterday I wound up with over 2000 words! *happy dance of joy* I'm realizing I really do have to write in scene pieces when I'm stuck-- forcing my way through the same section for the billionth time in a row just makes me irritated.

4) I've come to seriously depend on Pinterest, pinning everything from 1820s clothing (TTOB) to the Wikipedia page for Saffron (Darlington) to the above cold-brew coffee recipe. If you haven't gotten an account yet, do it! It's highly addictive but can be, IMHO, also very helpful.

5) I'm setting up an Enneagram-based character-writing workshop, which will be held in the Frederick, MD area in early November. Please see the FB note if you're interested & would like to be added to the mailing list for more details.

I REALLY needed that...

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 19:51:56 GMT

So, lately I've been feeling like this about my writing:

Source: 28.media.tumblr.com via Kathleen on Pinterest

And also this:

Source: imageshack.us via Kathleen on Pinterest

(Before you ask, yes, I always feel very Disney.)

Either way, you get the picture.

TTOB is... not coming along particularly easily. It's coming along, and I love it, but it's just not being easy on me. Fine, I get that, but with lots of other things going on in my life, I just haven't quite hit the right rhythm lately which is infinitely frustrating.

And then today I came home from day-job frustrations and a scene-thought popped in my head. It wasn't about TTOB, though. It was Gen, talking about her shortness. My first reaction-- or, at least, partial reaction-- was to push it away: I'm not working with Gen right now. My second reaction was to pull out my character voice journal for those books/characters to write in there-- but that didn't feel right, either.

I opened a new document, switched to Gen's font (I use a different font for each book/series now*) and started typing. And... kept typing.

Whereas lately getting I. or A. to open up has been like pulling teeth, Gen just rattled on about her current worry for over 600 words. For someone who has barely gotten to the 400-word per scene per day mark in months... Can I just say how good that felt? And it didn't feel like work either-- it wasn't entirely effortless and I know I did more editing than I used to while I was typing it, but it made me happy in a way that I hadn't felt while writing lately.

Which makes me feel a LOT more like this:

Source: Uploaded by user via Kathleen on Pinterest